My Opinion of Eating Disorders
is that they truly suck. I wanted to open this site with a profound statement about eating disorders. However, after writing and deleting so many drafts of this piece-I decided to just cut the shit and get to what I really wanted to say. Eating disorders suck more than Dyson!
Examples of things I allowed my eating disorder to suck: the fire out of my eyes. The weight right off of me. The honesty in my relationships. The zest for life I carried. Okay maybe not everyone has a zest for life, but I did prior to deciding that my body was the largest problem in my life.
And, my friends, my body was in fact NOT THE PROBLEM. Shocker.
My brilliantly beautiful mother has used her eating disorder as a coping mechanism since I was a tot. To think that I had been around eating disorders my entire life, yet didn't know that I was developing one is (still) mind boggling.
Shouldn't I have seen the signs? I knew what they looked like! I knew the behaviors! How could I not see that I was anorexic!? Somewhere in the starvation, I convinced myself that there was no way that I would have developed anorexia when I was this "old"-like there was an age cut off for mental illnesses. OR that if I was to develop an eating disorder, surly it would have been while I was living with one. But that's the thing about eating disorders.
They cannot be taught. My mother taught me so many things. Most of them regarding loving fiercely, praising communication, and oversharing in almost every conversation. Especially with bank tellers..something about banks makes me feel SO vulnerable. Like my banker and my therapist know the nitty gritty details of whatever event triggered me that day. BUT, my mother did not teach me how to starve myself. Just so happens that this genetic illness popped into my DNA, just as it did to hers.
It's not the most desirable trait to share with your mother, I'll admit it. I honestly would have chosen her height or hair color but sadly I didn't have a say in the matter. But our relationship is practically indestructible because of our shared understanding of anorexia.
Sure, eating disorders will always suck. And recovery sucks sometimes too. But recovery will always be worth the pain and restricting myself of the joys of life never, ever will be.
With trust and love,